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Archive for February, 2007

Perfectionism - The Dangerous Trap

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Perfectionism The Dangerous Trap

Just when I have something figured out, along comes another how-to-article telling me how to be or do something better or even change my entire life. No matter where I turn, I am constantly reminded that I am not good enough in more ways than one. I am not smart enough, not rich enough, not slim enough, not efficient enough, not pretty enough, not powerful enough, not with it enough and probably out of it altogether.

That s me and it gets worse. In line with our education economy, yesterday s perfect diet is banned today and my car of the year was just recalled. My time-management is out of date and my writing achievements fade against the big authors. Yes, I am my own worst critic. Growing up with perfectionist parents didn t help either. It wasn t until their seventies, that my father could tolerate fingerprints on his freshly washed car and that my mother learned to enjoy a meal without matching table d cor.

Perfectionism is driving us up the wall or around the bend and neither direction is desirable. No wonder half of the population is on Prozac and the other half copes on some other crutch. We live under constant pressure to be perfect and expect nothing less from others. Intensely glued to information that helps us conform to some perfect ideal, we learn less about ourselves. Detached from the core of who we are, we show up with fabricated selves to gain approval.

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There is quite a difference between aiming for a successful life or relationship and trying to achieve perfection. Contrary to popular belief, perfection is not required to succeed in love and life. In fact, the perfectionism-trap has serious negative consequences:

We feel our accomplishments are never good enough
We don t achieve personal satisfaction
We value people based on their achievements
We believe doing our best doesn t cut it
We take mistakes personally and hesitate to try again
We are afraid to show our flaws
We are vulnerable to rejection
We do what we should, not what we want
We set impossible to reach goals
We are hard on others and ourselves
We expect perfection of others
We develop a obsession with perfectionism
We feel we never measure up
We fear failure in relationships and have difficulties being intimate
We don t pursue a relationship out of fear it might not be perfect
We become critical of our partners

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To sum it up, we believe that unless we are perfect success and love will evade us. The biggest cost of perfectionism is our neglect of the humble core within and our failure to claim a life in alignment with our true self. Instead of focussing on our qualities and all that is right with us, we are busy fixing everything seemingly imperfect. Driven to live up to the perfect ideal we become pretentious, self-promoting, critical human beings. Because of our focus on achieving goals, we never enjoy the journey of getting there. As a result we lose the irreplaceable moments of relating to people and doing things.

Webster defines perfectionism as “a disposition, which regards anything short of perfect as unacceptable”. The torment for perfectionists is that they never find anything perfect, simply because perfection does not exist. Instead they suffer from social and personal anxiety and strained relationships. To find peace, accept ourselves and nurture the best in us, we have to overcome perfectionism and:

Use our mistakes as opportunities for growth
Set goals in line with who we are and what we want
Accept ourselves as human beings with flaws
Give a little less than 100% and still experience success
Enjoy the journey instead of just focussing on the goal
Recognize that anxiety arises when we set unrealistic goals
Understand that we get more done and feel better about ourselves if we don t strive for perfection.
Give up the irrational belief that relationships must be perfect
Stop second guessing ourselves
Be compassionate with ourselves and our partners

Thousands of people give less than 100% to a goal, but 100% to the journey and succeed. Everyday people don t give all they ve got, but still get done what they need to. If we try to give 100 % to everything we do, we never get enough done. Perfectionists operate on the assumption that unless they can give 100 % to a task, they won t even start. As a result, they become occupied with trivial details and put off tasks until they can make a 100% effort. Perfectionists tend to be procrastinators with endless to-do lists and dreams put on hold until some day.

When it comes to relationships, perfectionists don t do that well either. Single perfectionists keep on dating without making a choice, thinking someone more perfect will be around the corner. When they are in a relationship, the fear that it might not be perfect, keeps their relationships from progressing. Even when they finally settle with a partner, second-guessing their choice and being critical of their partner ensures frustrating relationships. Compromise in love as well as in life is difficult for them. Perfectionists pay a high price for the misguided belief that choosing the right love partner will guarantee a perfect relationship.

The entire perfectionist-trap becomes a vicious cycle in life and love. The more we attempt to be perfect in every area, the more anxious we get. This anxiety is coupled with a feeling of always falling short or behind. Consequently we concentrate on what is wrong with us or what we didn t do. While doing our very best is admirable, more often than not, doing a good job is enough. The truth is that we are always half-cooked human beings in transition. Nobody will love us any more just because we are more perfect. We are being loved for the passion and spirit we bring to the table as genuine human beings.

2005 Allie Ochs

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About the Author

Allie Ochs, Relationship Expert, Coach, Speaker and Author of: Are You Fit To Love? www.fit2love.com for FREE relationship advice e-mail: allie@fit2love.com

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Distance Learning: balancing your education and busy lifestyle

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Distance Learning is a priority for most who have already set their lives out in one way or another in that their responsibilities have been laid out, and in quite a few cases, would not allow for regular College schedules. This is taken into consideration when looking for a place to study, and this shouldn’t mean below par education. It should mean convenience for those interested in education and furthering their portfolios.

Student Commitment

Distance Learning requires a certain amount of commitment as the student must schedule the time to study. This is also reflective in their work as they are not going to afford the time unless genuinely interested in the subject matter. The work from these students shows a clear interest in their progression, and therefore their time is not wasted on courses that they are only taking for UKAS points.

Flexibility

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A high standard is reached as there is very little disruption in the pupil’s life, and therefore they find that they are able to concentrate on the subject matter fully. These courses are not as expensive as those that have to hire out a classroom, and with the ‘email’ style of assessment, the cost to complete their course assignments is inconsequential. There is no waiting for weeks for their assessments to be returned to them, and this makes it easier for the student to get on with their work at their own pace. These courses fit into lifestyles as it is usually humanly impossible to gauge when a situation will arise that takes a student away from their studies, but with the Distance Learning option, these students do not have the worry of catching up, or even having to loose out on their whole course and fee because there has been a glitch in their schedule. The course can be put aside, and picked up when the situation is eradicated. For those who travel for work, their course can be taken with them, affording them the time to continue on with their studies.

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Different options for different lifestyles

This form of education is taking a front seat for those interested in continuing study after settling into a career, or starting a family. There are numerous reasons for not being able to put your life on hold to study a preferred topic, and this option is sometimes the only way people are able to get the training they need. This should not mean that these people have to put up with inferior courses, or exorbitant fees. For those who are unable to leave their homes, or not able to physically enrol on classroom taught courses, this form of education plays a paramount importance in their lives. Oxford College ODL and Oxford Distance Learning have devised a scheme for the visually impaired by designing their courses specifically for these people’s needs, and they are in the process of setting up a program to fit into those people’s lives that have difficulty in finding a course that caters for their special needs.

Grading

Distance learning courses are not easy. Because the student is not required to attend classes, it is imperative that a sound assessment of their absorption of the materials is obtained by the tutor, and this is only obtained through assignments that are usually more in depth than the usual grading process that is awarded through classroom taught courses. This takes it’s form by enabling the student into not just learning about a given subject, but also showing their understanding of each individual step in essay form which lends to their overall grade. This is particularly important to the student, as the material is not the only information that needs to be taught in a given subject. The student needs to be able to question the material, and use their own reasoning when it comes to analysing what they are asked to absorb which keeps them interested in the course work and sees that they feel more involved with the process of their learning.

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In the words of Mike Tomlinson, former chief inspector of schools,

‘Too much time is spent preparing for exams which could be used for learning’.

About the Author

Written by Angela Williams, Education Standards Reviewer ‘UK Education Today’. Distance Learning Courses can be enrolled via www.oxforddistancelearning.com.
This online college has been recognised in the UK for offering the “best tutoring program to date”.

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